Toileting

Other than sleeping training... this is the other thing which i actually spend "REAL" effort when it comes to 'teaching' Kiddo.

When i say 'real' effort, i meant having to actually follow a schedule, sticking to rules, and actually carrying out what it is i was meant to do for days on end... I never ever 'teach' kiddo anything else like this because other stuff (i mean like concepts.. eating.. whatever skills) i am pretty flexi and teaching wasn't so 'conscientious'. Even the concept of discipline (e.g. not touching the dvd players etc) wasn't this regimentally enforced... we had a few ground rules and just try to stick by it.

Now sleeping and toileting.. i guess it involves a certain degree of physical conditioning. And when it comes to classical conditioning of the body... there is no way but to just enforced the schedule and carry out the steps as rigidly as possible. That is to help the body get used to what it has to do, and 'biologically' program it in the shortest way possible. In some sense, the beginning will always be somewhat traumatic (remember the nights of crying during sleep training?) but if the body is able to cope, the stringent enforcement in the beginning can actually shorten the duration of 'trauma' and help the body learn much quicker. That said, i will always draw a line when employing strategies like this because not every skills are suitable to be taught in this way (esp skills that has to do with cognition and social/interactions - that includes everything from pre-linguistic to language to cognitive concepts to play).

I am following the 3-day toilet training program from here:
http://www.babycenter.com/0_potty-training-in-three-days-or-less_10310078.bc

I am following as closely as i can but i can say that, after 3 days, i think Kiddo will need a little bit more time to be fully independent. Her level of success was mitigated by a few 'reality factors'. For one, i am not using little potties placed around the house because a) i am not going to spend more money to buy more potties, b) my home is not that big to warrant that many potties lying around c) i find little potty icky to clean and went for those adapted on the adult toilet seat.

The one Kiddo have is something i have in mind for her to use a little older without requiring adult help to access a regular toilet. It fits onto a regular toilet and comes with a step for the child to come up and sit down. It also has a backing plus side handles for holding on to. At the present moment, Kiddo still need to have a bit of help to access onto her potty chair (she calls it her elmo chair after i stuck elmo stickers all over it) which is why, i am not expecting full independence at the end of the 3day toilet training program (the aim for this program is actually to have the child access and use the potty independently). With my potty chair in mind, i modified my goals alittle and i think so far, Kiddo is doing pretty well.

Before the 3 days, she was showing some signs of readiness:
1) ability to stay dry for 2 or more hrs
2) has some ideation of the toilet (she poos in her potty chair and have regular timing)
3) has the body awareness of when she peed or pooed

At the end of the 3 days, i am happy to see that she:
1) is able to pee into the toilet bowl
2) knows that she is supposed to pee in the toilet
3) trying to hold her urine till i bring her to the toilet
4) shows some understanding that pee doesn't goes onto the floor (she cries when she had an accident and wants to mop it up)
5) is showing emerging skills at identifying her need to go pee/poo and some attempts to communicate that (she said "potty" on the 3rd day and actually poo when i brought her)
6) has been keeping her diaper dry for the past 2 nights and during her nap time too (i actually found 1-2 drops in her diaper in the morning, and she proceeded to pee immediately in the toilet when i took her there)

I am really happy with her progress and hopefully this will continue. It is still not accidents free at the moment but i feel it is not so much her problem than something i just have to be vigilant about bringing her (when she is engrossed in playing or i was keeping my eye on something else). But whatever progress she has made, made me determined to keep her diaper free in the day till the day she can finally ask to go or go to the toilet independently. Physically, and i believe, cognitively, she is ready... so as her Mami, i should let her practise that skill as much as possible and not let worrying about mess or cleaning/washing hinder that.

I was just telling a friend that Kiddo picking up skills is really not a credit of mine. There is no way i can make her 'learn' if she herself is not 1) ready or 2) interested. What i CAN do, is provide her with opportunities to learn in life, even if may be really tiring or inconvenient for the adults. I guess, to me, that's the least i can do as her Mami.


Well done Kiddo!!!! Mami is so proud of you! :)

Ruskie (Feb 02 - Jul 10)

My dear cat, Ruskie, checked out of this world last night in Singapore, alone, at the vet's. His health, which hasn't been great since a few years ago, suddenly took a turn for the worse in the last week. At the vet's, he was already not eating and drinking, and having difficulties sitting down, plus really low blood count. My friend who has been caring of him had kept me posted with his progress messaged me with the news of his passing this afternoon. She had planned to visit him today and i was to call her when she was at the vet's so that i could at least say my goodbyes, in case of the event that we may have to put him to sleep to end his suffering. The vet was contemplating giving him a blood transfusion as a last resort. I guess, his body just got too weary and he left before i or my friend could say our goodbyes.

Over the phone, my friend was also getting all choked up as she recounted his last days to me. She said he didn't suffer alot and had made friends in the last year that he was with her and her hubby, with their cats. Though he had never allowed anyone else to touch him except me, throughout his life, in the last week, he finally allowed my friend and her husband to stroke him and bathe him. When he was brought to the vet, the vet said that he was fighting for his life and i believed that he did.. he has been and always will be that tough and gruff cat that i've watched grown up as a kitten when i found him, not more than 2-3wks old.

Leaving him behind was one of the toughest thing i had to do last year. In my heart, i always felt guilty and sorry despite knowing that he was being cared for by the best couple in the world, who willingly took him in despite knowing about this poor health and 'autistic' temprement. I knew he would have a loving home, and peaceful place to be to live out his remaining days but my guilt about my decision to not take him with me stayed. I know rationally that taking him with us to Melbourne wasn't the best thing to do. His vet and i had discussed this a few times before we moved and at the end of the day, his health would not cope with the stress of the move and quarantine required. But sometimes i wondered if i ought to have tried anyway. I wondered if in his heart, he felt abandoned by the only person he trusted enough to carry and touch him. And that i have betrayed his trust after all these years.

So many things happened in the last half of year before we moved.. including arrival of the baby.. preparation of our move.. and moving him over to my friend's. I must have seemed so far away from him even before we left. But, as my friend consoled me.. he still only allowed me to touch and cut his nails when i visited early this year despite all that, so he must have still remembered and love me. That made me felt worse... feeling that Ruskie, in all his simplicity, just simply believe and love me... despite my abandonment of him. Despite all the love i said i have for him... i HAD let other things taken priority over him and now, i can only say sorry about that. I should have been a better owner... a better carer.. at least one who can see him through his days.

I will have to live with that regret in my life and though it does not assuage me from feeling guilty, i am still tremendously grateful that he had a peaceful life, was with loving friends at the end and did not suffer long.

Rest in peace Ruskie. I hoped that you are all well now, as you were before you fell sick and became moody... and back to doing all the things you used to love... like chasing after your esso tiger, sleeping on a sunny window ledge, meowing at birds and cuddling next to a warm body. I hoped that you are back to being as rascally as when you were of good health and plotting all your sneak attacks for people who thought were infringing on your territory. I hoped that you will still wake up to meow for your breakfast and have a nice cool sink to sleep in on a warm day. I hoped that there will always be a warm duvet for you to hide under when you fall asleep at night, or a warm neck for you to burrow next to. I hoped that you will think of me now and then as you lay snoozing in your favourite belly-up position. I wish you peace and comfort and all the things which you had but were taken away from you...

Forgive me... but remember that mommy had always loved you and always will, even if she didn't show it in the last year.

Sorry... be good you silly cat... Sleep well.

(Feb 02 - Jul 10)

Plugging into a new world

It has been a year in Melb and recently, an incident that had happened months ago sort of resurfaced in my mind on and off, that made me examine, in particular, one aspect of my life here - building a social network from scratch.

A year ago, in June 09, I moved to Melbourne with my hub and just-turned-6mths-old kiddo with 6 pieces of luggage and part of our savings to start a new life. I left behind my friends, my job which i enjoyed, my colleagues and my dear pet cat in exchange for an address which i had visited a few times in the last ten years, cold winter chills, no job, no clue of the future and almost no friends. I think out of the things i listed, having no one to count on, to rely on, to even have a chat on the telephone (without dialling international) was one of the hardest thing for me. In SG, i had a few closed girlfriends who will comfort me when time gets tough over dinner and wine... i had a closely knitted group of colleagues who helped me through rough days at work and make merry with me after work... i had many people that i could meet for gatherings and social activities.... I missed all that when i first arrived here.

Thankfully, i didn't start at quite ground zero here. From my 'forages' in various forums, i made virtual friends who are sporeans in Melb and even those who would soon be in my shoes. From other friends, i was introduced to their friends who are in Melb and in turned was introduced to their friends. There was also a couple of old friends and acquaintainces from my past. Inch by inch, i tried to 'plug' into some semblence of a social circle/network... I am glad to say, some of these folks turned out to be real friends now which helped me to establish my first 'roots' in a new place. A few tentative friendships hang in limbo.. probably due to a lack of interest (on one or both parties) to make more of what's began. But it wasn't quite "love lost", and i am comfortable without having to try to hard, and there are still opportunities to build on them. However, what happened to one of these friendships, sometimes made me wish that perhaps i should have done something different at that time...

It was someone whom i briefly knew many years ago when i started having friends through online chatrooms. Even at that time, i do not recalled if we have met or talked much. But we have ties to mutual friends, also from that 'era'. We met once after i came to Melb and subsequently continued to have correspondences over the internet. It was... like i said, a tentative friendship and may have been more if not for something that happened a couple of months ago. At that time, wilk was struggling with worries about his school, his future and of course finances, and he had just agreed to take on a part-time work stint for an ex-vendor from SG, doing market research here in Melb so as to earn abit of extra cash and also get to know more of the edu system here. And for his work, he had hoped to talk to teachers working in Melb so as to know about the state of use of technology in schools (or something to that effect).

From his old contacts from MOE and friends, he managed to speak to some and people had been friendly... helpful... I knew it wasn't easy for him, to try to get contacts so that he can talk to people as he wasn't quite as 'plugged' in as i was. So to help, when i heard that my friend's spouse was a teacher, i approached her to ask if wilk could talk to her spouse. On hindsight, i guess it wasn't something that i would normally had done (me and wilk usually let each other deal with work stuff individually) but i think it is tough to start out and any contacts may help. To cut a short story shorter, my hub did managed to have a chat with her hub. As i wasn't around, i didnt know what was said but what was surprising was when i came back, wilk said that my friend suddenly called him after he had spoken with her hub and reprimanded him. Again, i didnt hear what was said but wilk was quite shocked and more than a little hurt. It seemed that she had told him that he had put her hub's job in jeopardy by talking to him and asking those questions. Again, i did not know why she thought so but i gathered that she thought wilk was going to call up the school (to sell some prodts?), perhaps using her hub's name, and her hub may be viewed as leaking school's classified info? I just do not know why the anger and what triggered the attack.

I was just as shocked and surprised, and initially, more than a little embarrassed because it was me who had made the 'introduction'. Wilk went on to msg her hub to apologize for any questions that may be offending and wanted to know if everything is okie but the reply from him was that it wasn't a problem and it is fine to talk to wilk... We were too worried to ask her hub why then did my friend blew up at wilk in case things get worse. After reading the hub's reply... i couldn't be sure if he was being polite (after complaining to my friend for troubling him with 'our problem') or that it was just something my friend herself felt wilk had done wrong. At the end of the day, i was incredibly unsure if i had inevitably done something wrong and yet, just as incredibly upset that someone had scolded my husband before ascertaining the facts. I have heard the questions wilk asked other teachers and the discussions they had (most of the time i was there during the meet-ups etc) and not one person had any issue... the things discussed was pretty generic about the use of technology.. how much access do students here have to things like computer, edu software etc.. And wilk had never pushed to 'sell' his vendor's prodt or ask for contact of the school etc. And because he is my husband and i trust him, though i did not hear that particular conversation, i chose to believe that he did not do so this time round too.

It was tough deciding what i ought to do then. I grappled with whether i should call to apologize to my friend and at the end of the day, i guess i was too upset to do so. The whole experience got both me and wilk really down because to him, it was a job he had to do (not that he enjoyed much of it) and i felt responsible for what had happened to him. I also thought that my friend COULD have called me and told me off if she felt that there was anything wrong or clarify things but she just went straight and scolded a rather bewildered wilk. What was even more mindboggling was that, the interviewee himself said that everything was okie and there wasn't a problem etc. I guess, in my own insecurity (when i am making tentative headway to put myself out there, making friends) i too got defensive and was pretty angry about the whole thing. Suddenly i felt that friendships are impossible to build in this new place, esp when people start accusing us of doing things we are not doing, and i was miserable.. and without anyone here that i was comfortable at that time to talk things out and chill.

It was also hurtful to our pride when something like that happened... because asking for help is already something that made us feel indebted to a person, what more having the person turn around and accuse us for abusing that help when we honestly felt that we didnt. Not the mention the sense of defenselessness of being unable to feel the liberty to retort because we DID ask for help in the first place. On so many levels, i was upset, with myself, with wilk, with our situation, with my "friend", with this place... End of the day... i just couldn't bring myself to take that first step to call her. I didn't think i could face the possibility of being 'attacked' for asking for their help... i couldn't trust myself to be able to clear up the misunderstanding calmly or rationally at that point in time because i was too emotional.

And as of all things difficult between people... the longer you put it off... the more it felt awkward to have to bring things up after time have passed. Do you talk to the person as if nothing has happened or do you try to bring it up? What if they have already put things aside? What if they are still angry? Days passed and letting things be just became the easy way out. Now, i have made some close friends here. Things do not seem as bleak anymore. I have people to go out with for meals and drinks, people who see me as their friend and part of their social circle. There are also people whom i feel comfortable bitching about life and vice versa. Friends who had asked for my help and who i enjoyed helping because it made me feel useful and able in life again. Perhaps because of what happened, I cherished the friendships of those who had helped me and my family even more and hoped that i am doing the same for the 'newbies' whom i have gotten to know. Now I no longer feel that it is impossible to have friends here and that life is miserable... and feels more confident about myself and my life here.

From time to time, i would still think about this incident and ponder about it. I don't know if we would ever talked again or if this misunderstanding (I truly think that that's what it is) will clear up. Perhaps it would never. We are still on each other's contact list and i wondered if this is one of those "friendships" that i just ought to 'write-off' since it doesn't seem to go anywhere. But somehow, i still couldn't click on the "remove friend" button on my contact list just yet.